I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
