did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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