You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
