Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
