operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
