Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
