Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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