so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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