she looked like the before picture.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
