you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
