It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
