The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
