u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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