It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
