He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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