You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
