I just threw up on my dentist
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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