Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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