So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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