Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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