Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
