matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
