I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
