i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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