I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
