I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
