Christians are straight up FREAKS
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
