i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
