I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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