the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
