there's paper in my vomit.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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