Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
