At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
