I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
