walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
