she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
