Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
