Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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