I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
