So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
