you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
