Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
