You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
