I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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