dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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