census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
