I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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