shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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