Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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