got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
