We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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