I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
