Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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